Dear Reader, Recently, the Letter Exchange posed the question, “how do you want to alert your pen friends that you are deceased?” While I was considering various approaches, I came across this video. It is too precious not to share it. The transcript is copied below…
British journalist Caitlin Moran wrote this letter to her eldest daughter Lizzie in 2013, explaining at the time: “My daughter is about to turn 13 and I’ve been smoking a lot recently, and so – in the wee small hours, when my lungs feel like there’s a small mouse inside them, scratching to get out – I’ve thought about writing her one of those “Now I’m Dead, Here’s My Letter Of Advice For You To Consult As You Continue Your Now Motherless Life” letters. Here’s the first draft. Might tweak it a bit later. When I’ve had another fag.” -Letters Live
dear lizzy
hello it’s mummy i’m dead
sorry about that
i hope the funeral was good did daddy
play don’t stop me now by queen when my
coffin went in the cremator
i hope everyone sang along and did air
guitar as i stipulated and also wore the
stick on freddy mercury mustaches as i
ordered in the my funeral plan document
that’s been pinned to the fridge since
2008
when i had that extremely self-pitying
cold
1. Things I’ve Learned-
look
here’s a couple of things i’ve learned
on the way that you might find useful in
the coming years
it’s not an exhaustive list but it’s a
good start also i’ve left you loads of
life insurance money so go hog wild on
ebay on those second-hand vintage
dresses you love
you have always looked beautiful in them
you have always looked beautiful
the main thing is
just try to be nice
you already are so lovely that i burst
darling and i want you to hang on to
that and never let it go
keep slowly turning it up like a dimmer
switch whenever you can
just resolve to shine constantly and
steadily like a warm lamp in the corner
and people will want to move towards you
in order to feel happy
and read things more clearly
2. Always Remember That-
you will be bright and constant in a
world of darkened flux and this will
save you the anxiety of other ultimately
less satisfying things like being cool
being more successful than everybody
else and being very thin
second always remember that nine times
out of ten you probably aren’t having a
full-on nervous breakdown
you just need a cup of tea and a biscuit
you will be amazed how easily and
repeatedly you can confuse the two
get a big biscuit tin
3. Choose Your Friends-
choose your friends because you feel
most like yourself around them because
the jokes are easy and you feel like
you’re in your best outfit when you’re
with them even though you’re just in a
t-shirt
never love someone whom you think you
need to mend
or who makes you feel like you should be
mended
there are boys out there who look for
shining girls
they will stand next to you and say
quiet things in your ear that only you
can hear and that will slowly drain all
of the joy out of your heart
i can see some people have had some of
those here
the books about vampires are true baby
you must drive a stake in their hearts
and run away
4.Life Divides-
stay at peace with your body
while it’s healthy never think of it as
a problem or a failure
pat your legs occasionally and thank
them for being able to run
put your hands on your belly and enjoy
how soft and warm you are
marvel at the brilliant meat clockwork
that you are as i did when you were
inside me and i dreamed about you every
night
whenever you can’t think of something to
say in a conversation ask people
questions instead
even if you’re next to a man who
collects
pre-1970s screws and bolts
you will probably never have another
opportunity to find out so much about
pre-1970 screws and bolts
and you never know when it might be
useful
this segues into the next tip
life divides into
amazing enjoyable times and appalling
experiences that will later make amazing
anecdotes
however awful you can get through any
experience if you imagine yourself in
the future telling your friends about it
as they scream in disbelief no no
even when jesus was on the cross
i bet he was thinking
when i rise in three days the disciples
aren’t gonna believe this
baby
see as many sunrises and sunsets as you
can
run across the road to smell the roses
always believe that you can change the
world even if it’s only a tiny bit
because every tiny bit needed someone
who changed it
think of yourself as a silver rocket use
loud music as your fuel books like maps
and coordinates for how to get there
host extravagantly love constantly
dancing comfortable shoes talk to daddy
and nancy about me every day
and never ever start smoking
it’s like buying a fun baby dragon that
will grow
and eventually burn down your
house
love mummy