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“Now I’m Dead”

August 16, 2023 By Carol

Dear Reader, Recently, the Letter Exchange posed the question, “how do you want to alert your pen friends that you are deceased?” While I was considering various approaches, I came across this video. It is too precious not to share it. The transcript is copied below…

British journalist Caitlin Moran wrote this letter to her eldest daughter Lizzie in 2013, explaining at the time: “My daughter is about to turn 13 and I’ve been smoking a lot recently, and so – in the wee small hours, when my lungs feel like there’s a small mouse inside them, scratching to get out – I’ve thought about writing her one of those “Now I’m Dead, Here’s My Letter Of Advice For You To Consult As You Continue Your Now Motherless Life” letters. Here’s the first draft. Might tweak it a bit later. When I’ve had another fag.”  -Letters Live

dear lizzy

hello it’s mummy i’m dead

sorry about that

i hope the funeral was good did daddy

play don’t stop me now by queen when my

coffin went in the cremator

i hope everyone sang along and did air

guitar as i stipulated and also wore the

stick on freddy mercury mustaches as i

ordered in the my funeral plan document

that’s been pinned to the fridge since

2008

when i had that extremely self-pitying

cold

1. Things I’ve Learned-

look

here’s a couple of things i’ve learned

on the way that you might find useful in

the coming years

it’s not an exhaustive list but it’s a

good start also i’ve left you loads of

life insurance money so go hog wild on

ebay on those second-hand vintage

dresses you love

you have always looked beautiful in them

you have always looked beautiful

the main thing is

just try to be nice

you already are so lovely that i burst

darling and i want you to hang on to

that and never let it go

keep slowly turning it up like a dimmer

switch whenever you can

just resolve to shine constantly and

steadily like a warm lamp in the corner

and people will want to move towards you

in order to feel happy

and read things more clearly

2. Always Remember That-

you will be bright and constant in a

world of darkened flux and this will

save you the anxiety of other ultimately

less satisfying things like being cool

being more successful than everybody

else and being very thin

second always remember that nine times

out of ten you probably aren’t having a

full-on nervous breakdown

you just need a cup of tea and a biscuit

you will be amazed how easily and

repeatedly you can confuse the two

get a big biscuit tin

3. Choose Your Friends-

choose your friends because you feel

most like yourself around them because

the jokes are easy and you feel like

you’re in your best outfit when you’re

with them even though you’re just in a

t-shirt

never love someone whom you think you

need to mend

or who makes you feel like you should be

mended

there are boys out there who look for

shining girls

they will stand next to you and say

quiet things in your ear that only you

can hear and that will slowly drain all

of the joy out of your heart

i can see some people have had some of

those here

the books about vampires are true baby

you must drive a stake in their hearts

and run away

4.Life Divides-

stay at peace with your body

while it’s healthy never think of it as

a problem or a failure

pat your legs occasionally and thank

them for being able to run

put your hands on your belly and enjoy

how soft and warm you are

marvel at the brilliant meat clockwork

that you are as i did when you were

inside me and i dreamed about you every

night

whenever you can’t think of something to

say in a conversation ask people

questions instead

even if you’re next to a man who

collects

pre-1970s screws and bolts

you will probably never have another

opportunity to find out so much about

pre-1970 screws and bolts

and you never know when it might be

useful

this segues into the next tip

life divides into

amazing enjoyable times and appalling

experiences that will later make amazing

anecdotes

however awful you can get through any

experience if you imagine yourself in

the future telling your friends about it

as they scream in disbelief no no

even when jesus was on the cross

i bet he was thinking

when i rise in three days the disciples

aren’t gonna believe this

baby

see as many sunrises and sunsets as you

can

run across the road to smell the roses

always believe that you can change the

world even if it’s only a tiny bit

because every tiny bit needed someone

who changed it

think of yourself as a silver rocket use

loud music as your fuel books like maps

and coordinates for how to get there

host extravagantly love constantly

dancing comfortable shoes talk to daddy

and nancy about me every day

and never ever start smoking

it’s like buying a fun baby dragon that

will grow

and eventually burn down your

house

 

love mummy

 

 

Filed Under: Guest Author, Letter Writing in the News, Pen pals Tagged With: Caitlin Moran, Letters Live, pen friends, The Letter Exchange, YouTube

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